Its no surprise to my family that I want more kids. My husband knows it too but realistically, we just can afford it at this point. We are living on one income and just bought our first home. We still have a car payment for my husband's truck. Our budget is stretched at this point already and another baby is just not possible for the way we want to live. Of course we could sell his truck, homeschool Brayden, and NEVER eat out, but to be honest, that is not how we want to live. I want Brayden to make friends through preschool, I want my husband to enjoy his awesome truck that he worked so hard for, and we like to eat out every now and then as a family. Would a new baby be worth more than all of that? Of course. However, I also know it would put a strain on us financially and I don't want that. Financial strain can cause so many problems in a family. I don't want my marriage to suffer. I don't want the kids to feel the stress.
So for now, we are a two-kid family and I am okay with that. I love my kids more than anything in the whole world and would not trade a single day of my life with them. (Even the crazy days where I want to drink a bottle of wine and hide in the bathroom!)
The hardest part about wanting more children and knowing that its not possible right now is seeing all the pregnant women around me. Personally, I know at least 7 pregnant women and that doesn't count the women I am acquaintances with on FaceBook (people from high school). I am so jealous of them. I envy their pregnant bellies and the kicks they get to enjoy. I miss the feeling of growing a human inside me. I miss cuddling a newborn. I am so thrilled for these women because I know how exciting it is and how amazing pregnancy is, but it still hurts to know that I can't be there.
With all that being said, I try to remind myself how hard the newborn stage is. How hard it is to run on no sleep when you have other kids to take care of. How hard it is to figure out what the hell it is that your baby wants! Reminding myself of those tough nights helps me realize how great I have it now with two kids that can talk and communicate what they want, usually without throwing a huge fit. Kids that sleep through the night. Kids that aren't attached to my boob all day. Kids that can sometimes play on their own so I can take a shower or do the dishes. I try to remember that we are in a great place in life. That we have exciting things happening like Brayden starting preschool and Maddie learning new things every day.
Although I would love to have two or three more kids, I need to remind myself how blessed I am with the two I already have. I need to look at them deeply and love them deeply. I need to focus on creating an amazing life and motherly bond with them. I need to focus on spending quality time with them. I need to focus on putting the phone down and really playing with them, teaching them. I need to absorb all these moments as much as I can.
So off I go. I am getting off the computer to go get the kids ready for the splash pad. To spend time with them, watching them enjoy all that hot, summer weather has to offer. Water splashing over their faces and the sun shining down on their perfect skin. I am off to enjoy my amazing children in ways only a mother can.